How Loving Yourself Tells Others How To Love You

Thought Catalog

You told yourself it wasn’t for him – the time spent with the curling iron, the strategically placed dabs of perfume, the sheer wash of berry gloss on your lips, that black blouse Grandma always eyes suspiciously, the one that hugs your curves and accentuates the swell of your chest. And it isn’t for him – at least, not entirely. So what do you do when he stares past you like you aren’t even in the room; when your attempted conversations drop dead on the floor and dissolve into nothingness?

You will want to stay, to do everything in your power to draw him out of whatever funk has taken ahold of him, if only to convince yourself that you tried. Don’t. Fabricate a headache and go home by yourself. Your friends will worry, will console, and will offer to stay home with you while you cry. Don’t let…

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Do you know how I feel when someone compares me to someone “better” than me?


Yeah, yeah, I know. “Hate is a strong word.” I know. I agree, but I can’t help but feel that way when I’m being compared to another person.

I feel hatred towards the person who is comparing me to another person and I feel hatred towards the person I’m being compared too. Even if the person who I’m being compared to is either my best friend, or my family member. I just can’t help but feel a tad bit envious and angry. 

Some of you might be wondering..”Why do you ‘hate’ the person you’re being compared to?” 

Because there is a reason why I’m being compared to that person.

Is that person really actually “better” than me? Or is that person just being themselves and by being themselves are they more likable to the person who is comparing me to them? (tongue twister or thought provoking? both?)

Frankly, I just don’t understand. When has being oneself not been enough? Why is it not enough?

The fact that comparison is a cycle that won’t ever stop is really discouraging to me. No wonder why everyone is trying to be someone who they’re not.

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Big chop – Finger coil style

Big chop - Finger coil style

Today around 5:30 I big chopped and I actually really like it. The stylist who cut my hair for me looked at my face after she cut it and she was said, “You’re that type of could rock both the long and short hair and still look absolutely fabulous!”
That meant A LOT because before I finished my finger coils I felt that I looked like a boy. But then I had a photoshoot aka my favorite thing to do and I thought “DAMN, I look good ;)” and that’s all the approval I need!

I know for a fact that I’m going to get comments on Sunday because I have a rude ass cousin and aunt who like to say WHATEVER they please, but thank God I really couldn’t care less about their opinion!

I’m taking the coils out next week and rocking my twa because it’s pretty sexy.


i’m so excited for this new journey 🙂

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Untold Beauty : A response to “DARK GIRLS”

Kindred Kinks

natural hair rules_thumb[3]        This past Sunday the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) aired a documentary, by Bill Duke, titled “Dark Girls”. Being a woman of deep toned skin I was both concerned and optimistic about this documentary. Concerned with questions about if our story will be told correctly from the eyes of a male and how will his own personal views on the black woman and her beauty affect the editing of this documentary. Optimistic because I believed it would bring light to how women are treated because of their skin and that racial issues still exist, even within our community. With all this being said… I don’t think I was represented at all in this film.

I hoped that it would show proud BLACK women – of all cultures and backgrounds standing firm in SELF LOVE… it did not. After watching this twice the night it aired I found myself really disappointed…

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Oh happy day

I am just feeling beyond happy! 

Why am I happy you ask? After 8 months of no relaxer I am finally ready to cut my hair off or big chop as everyone says. 

This makes me really really excited because I’m going to look different and this is just like me spontaneous.

What made me want to big chop?

Well, my hair has long ass stringy ends with thick natural new-growth on the top. It looks pretty awful if you ask me. Transitioning is horrible, I’ve been doing it with braids which makes it easier, but damn does it cost a lot of money. Money that I don’t have. Therefore, big chopping and starting this process afresh is exciting.

When am I big chopping?

Today, most likely around 4 or 5 (pictures to come)

Who knows I’m big chopping?

My immediate family knows that I’m cutting it today, but my friends and others think I’m cutting it in August, I just decided to do it today instead.


None. Negative comments will come, but also will positive comments. I won’t let me feel less beautiful than I am and that’s the truth.

Pictures later tonight! Woohoo, big chop!

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Changing the legal system for Trayvon Martin.

Only July 13th George Zimmerman was found “Not Guilty” in the case of the murder of 17 year old Trayvon Martin.

To be honest, I was in complete shock. So shocked that I waited until I actually felt totally comfortable to write about how I feel. I was only shocked because I was holding on to that little gleam of hope that justice would be served. I saw a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. But the jurors didn’t. I thought the jurors were going to analyze the case carefully and DO THE RIGHT THING. That didn’t happen and that’s how I’m certain that justice will not be served according to the legal system, but by the people. By force. 

Now, unlike others, I do wholeheartedly believe that the murder was a case of racial profiling, the verdict, I’m 50/50 on.

Why did Zimmerman target Trayvon that night? I’ll tell you – he was black and had a hoodie on. Typical hoodlum, I guess. So he initiated a fight, regardless of the fact that he was told not to.

and now Trayvon Martin who was unarmed is dead and his killer is free.


Why was Travyon profiled? Because he fit the stereotype.

In Amerikkka there is a stereotype against black boys and blacks in general. We’re “ghetto”, all on welfare, poor, bitter (that’s why we always pull the race card apparently) and I’m writing this because although some of us are those things we aren’t ALL those things. How some African American young men carry themselves is making an image for ALL African Americans throughout America. Boys and girls alike. 

so that’s why I believe we have to change. 

We have to put our heads in our books and take our educations seriously. It’s the only way to change the legal system and eventually the world. We have to be better. We have to be overqualified. We have to change the world one mind at a time because being black in Amerikkka isn’t easy. Racism is still alive and kicking and stereotypes are still running wild.

But that’s because some people fit the stereotype. It shouldn’t be that way, but that’s the way  it is and the only way to change that is through power.


Be beyond the stereotype.

Be better than racism.

Knowledge is power.


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Fourth, July

Sometimes I am really unpatriotic, like it’s bad. Because at times when I think about America I think about all the bad things, the injustices, the system, everything negative. 

My mother knows why I can’t feel so patriotic at times so she said to me..

“Vanessa, instead of thinking of the bad things America has faced and been a part of, and indeed it’s been a lot, think of the progression we’ve made and are still making. Think of the opportunities you and I have to better ourselves everyday, not everyone can get these opportunities.”

Me: “But slavery, the Government, gay rights – equality..”

“Times have been hard, but every year we celebrate because we progress. Even if things aren’t doing well we try to make it better. Also, just think of others. We have much more opportunity. Just appreciate it honey.”

And I do, no matter how much injustices I see done by the Government or higher authority, I still appreciate the fact that change is being made and I can wake up everyday and have the right to an education, food, water, anything my heart desires basically.

So thank you America.

(we can still work on the mantra “Liberty and justice for all,” because not everyone is getting that.)

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